Night Vale: My Episodes
by TheDoctorWatson
Summary: I like writing, and I like Night Vale, so this is my version of Night Vale. Not really rewriting episodes, just new episodes.
1. Chapter 1

Cecil: The truth is, only trust the lies. Welcome to Night Vale. (Play Theme Song) Cecil: Hello, listeners! Today's top story is about a new visitor to our little burg. Please give a huge Night Vale-ian welcome to Mr. Scott, a safety inspector from the State Government! Finally, the State Government has sent some sort of recognition to Night Vale in the form of a safety inspector. Mr. Scott is here to look around a bit, see what's going on, and maybe suggest some things to make our great town even greater. Mr. Scott is tall, with grey hair, a pale, wrinkly face and a blue tweed jacket. If you see him, run up and give him a hug. Maybe offer to buy him a piece of Lemon Beetle pie at the Moonlight All-Nite Diner. Or not. In other news, the mountain is back. There is lava coming out of the mountain. Everybody should run, says my perfect Carlos. But, who cares about a little lava? "We are all invincible to lava," the City Council has announced in a statement. "Life shall go on as normal." They then dropped to their knees, shouted a series of garbled words, and dissipated. So don't worry about the lava, listeners! We'll all be perfectly fine. Next, we'll show a word from our sponsor. (Play creepy music) Are you tired? Tired of what? Life? The world? Existence? Are you sick? What illness do you have? A cold? The flu? Cancer? Do you like eating? Eating what? Chocolate? Pie? The souls of your enemies? Do you know things? Know what? About the void? About yourself? About the monsters that live in your walls and under your bed and occasionally eat your bed slippers, and that's why you can't find them again? Walgreens. At the corner of happy and mortal terror. (Music stops) Listeners, we have some bad news. Apparently we are not invincible to lava. This was proven when, because I told her to, Intern Veronica ran out into the lava to make sure of the fact that we are invincible. Our hearts go out to the family of Intern Veronica, and, well, you know, we're very sorry. By the way, we are holding job interviews for station interns today. If anyone is interested, please come by the station tonight at 12:00 midnight. Bring a résumé, $20 because we really, really need funding, and a signed permission slip from the City Council. Thank you. Back to the news. It seems my beautiful, perfect, amazing Carlos was right. Run for your lives. Let's play a prerecorded Public Service Announcement while I get to safety. (Play happy yet creepy music) Everybody knows that the City Council is be obeyed at all times, right? They ask you to please remember to turn in all forms, pay the pleasantly-asked-for taxes, and sacrifice a sacred mongoose every weekend. Many families have been forgetting to do this important task, and therefore been kindly-pleaded to give up one family member to be locked up in the mines until the nicely-begged-for tasked are competed. Thank you. (Music stops, and a crackling feedback is heard, as well as heavy breathing) Okay. I'm safe, and I have my microphone with me so I can still continue the broadcast. I'm huddled in one corner of the steel-walled basement I didn't know we had until I followed the trail of slime to the trapdoor on the first floor. Whom knows who laid down the trail of slime for me, but whoever it was, thank you. How's everyone doing- (Cellphone rings) It seems I am getting a call..ooh! It's from my Carlos! Hold on a moment...hello Carlos! (Muffled voice on the phone) Oh my...yes, I'm safe. Are you? (Muffled voice) Oh good. So...what's that? (Muffled voice) Ok. Yes, I'll tell them. Stay safe, my Carlos. (Muffled voice) Oh my. (Giggles slightly) You too, Carlos, see you tonight. If we both live that long. Bye. (Hangs up) Alright. Well. My perfect Carlos has announced that there is a safe shelter right outside of town, and that the lava has started to drain from the town. Many houses have been destroyed, but it will all be over soon, and hopefully all the lava will drain all the way to Desert Bluffs. They deserve it. In celebration, let's go to the weather. (Play song) Welcome back from the weather, my dearest listeners. It's now the end of a long and heated day. I have a date with Carlos later, if the town isn't completely ruined. Hopefully the repairs will be quick and easy. Just remember the phoenix. From the flames of destruction, or lava of destruction, the is rebirth. Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight. 


	2. Chapter 2

CECIL: Darkness is an absence of light. Light is an absence of darkness, then. What is an absence of both light and darkness? Welcome to Night Vale. (Play theme song) Today will not be a good day. It will not be a bad day either. Today will be a day, and we will have to be content with that. Things that are happening today: well, there's not many. Today we are breathing, I guess. Today our hearts are beating. Today- wait, hold on a moment. Intern Phil has handed me a sheet of paper. It has a detailed picture of me riding a unicorn on it- no, he's telling me to turn it over. Ok. It says that Desert Bluffs has taken up arms and is marching towards us. Oh my. Oh dear. Uh...well. I guess you should go find a weapon. More on this story as it develops. Let's go to Financial News. (Play creepy music) There is a man. He is sitting on a cliff side, looking down over the faraway land below. The cliff is tall. It is a windy day. The wind threatens to push the man off the cliff. But the man holds on. Leaves, branches, and various small animals are swept up and away on the wind. The man holds on. All around trees are being uprooted, houses are coming off their foundations. The man holds on. Finally the wind becomes too powerful for the man. The man lets go. He falls down, down, down to the earth below. It is a windy day. This has been Financial News. (Creepy music stops) Alright. So apparently Desert Bluffs has reached Night Vale. The City Council has released a statement saying, "Prepare for war. Night Vale will not submit. Night Vale will not surrender." The paper I was given with the statement has now burst into flames- Phil, could you get a fire extinguisher? Ok. While everyone is getting fully armed, let's go to the Community Calendar. Monday is Fire Day. All over town, buildings will catch in fire. We will rejoice in the flames, letting our skin peel and blacken. Tuesday is Fire Recovery Day. All over town, the charred wood and ashes of the previously-lit-on-fire buildings will be converted into Burn Centers. We will rejoice in our wounds being healed, letting doctors put cream and bandages on our third degree burns. Wednesday has been rescheduled for next week. Thursday will be dedicated to the void. We will praise the void and pray for forgiveness. On Friday, Big Rico's famous cheese and tomato sauce soup will be 50% off. Saturday will be spent learning new fighting tactics with the Boy Scouts. All citizens are required to attend. Sunday does not exist. This has been the Community Calendar. Desert Bluffs has started the invasion of the town. Mangled arms raised, they hold weapons of all shapes and sizes. Those who have weapons, fight and win. Those who do not, hide. Hide for at least three days before coming out again. I can see Desert Bluff-ians surrounding the radio station. Oh my. This is not good. Carlos, if you're listening, I love you. They have breached the doors. I can hear Station Management roaring behind the door. Intern Phil has grabbed the Emergency Machine Gun that hangs on the wall. He is guarding the door. Thank you Intern Phil. In other news, the Ice Cream Shop That Only Sells Flesh-Flavored Ice Cream is having a sale on Flesh-Flavored Ice Cream. They also have announced that they are going to start selling toppings for their Flesh-Flavored Ice Cream, like skin, blood, and internal organs. Head on down to the Ice Cream Shop That Only Sells Flesh-Flavored Ice Cream today! Back to the main story. A few Desert Bluff-ians have made their way onto this floor. I can see them outside the recording studio. Intern Phil is fighting them off- wait, Phil has fallen to the ground. He is bleeding profusely, and is probably dead. To the family of Intern Phil, we're very sorry. (Heavy footsteps) The Desert Bluff-ians are making their way over here, they have forced open the door, (Door opening) they are pushing me out of the- (Muffled shouting, someone falling out of their chair, chair tipping over) VOICE: Hello people of Night Vale. Our message to you is short but important: Desert Bluffs is so much better than Night Vale in all sports. Stop claiming superiority. Thank you. This message is brought to you by Desert Bluffs. (Heavy footsteps, chair being set upright, someone getting into chair, microphone feedback, shaky breath) CECIL: O-ok. U-uh, I need to regain my composure. I-I'll go to the weather... (Play indie song still undetermined) Thank you all for the concerned calls I have received. Yes, I am fine. Yes, I would love to watch a movie tonight Carlos. Bring imaginary popcorn, if you can. My show is coming to a close, so I will leave you with this. Desert Bluffs is a horrible town full of horrible people. But that not mean we need to reciprocate their violence. Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight. 


End file.
